Encountering Jesus in a Psychiatric Ward
READ PLEASE: If you have suffered from a traumatic sexual abuse experience , and are triggered from hearing similar experiences please feel free to click off this page. & if you deal with suicidal thoughts and need to release to somebody please contact
1-800-273-8255 The national suicide Prevention line.
I’m also here to listen!
Part of My Testimony
Regardless of where you find yourself in life at this moment in time, I pray that God speaks and brings healing to your life through my story.
The first few years of a persons life can forever impact the way humans view life. Good experiences and bad.
Sexual Abuse
In my case my innocence was taken from me at the age of 5.
Playing outside I remember vividly the first time it happened, then the second then the third, afterwards it became so routine I lost track.
I just remember being told that it would feel good and that this was what love felt like, and if I said anything that person would kill me. So of course I submitted, over and over. At that age I really didn’t understand what was happening.
I stayed quiet.
My parents were very protective of me always. It wasn’t their fault, there are some things that you just can’t prevent.
(If any parents are reading though please talk with your children and establish strong communication with them from a young age.)
As I grew into my teens and became more aware, the images would flash and pain would follow. Feelings of shame, loneliness, fear of possibly having STD’s, suicidal thoughts. After a while feeling completely numb is the best way to describe what I felt.
Nobody can know what happened, how would I be viewed.
I remember growing up in church I always asked God
“God if you love me and I am your beloved child why did you let this happen to me”
“Do you not see my suffering, do you not see my thoughts, my heart, why wasn’t anybody there for me in those moments.”
Years continued passing, and as the silence grew ever deeper the suicidal thoughts grew louder. How could anybody ever love someone as used as me.
My idea of love was so wrong. Even after 20 years of going to church serving as a leader singing, praising, there was no healing. Coming into church & leaving the exact same way. Nobody knowing what it was that was destroying me inside.
Filled with sin and lustful desires my heart grew cold and my only release was pleasure. This was love to me. The thoughts didn’t go away and neither did the pain. Until one day I decided to end my life. Everything was taken from me. I didn’t feel love and all my hope was gone.
“Is this your will God then let it be.”
But it wasn’t God’s will for me to die.
And I just remember saying how pitiful am I that I cant even end my life. 7 police cars later and I found myself in a Psychiatric ward.
Sitting in this room alone completely hopeless I just remember crying and cursing God.
“I have nobody I lost my job, my studies, my relationship, why couldn’t you just let me die”
“How could I possibly get any lower than this” And as sat there I remember looking on the concrete wall next to me where my head was laying and seeing the agony of whoever was there before me ingrained on the wall. Their nail prints running through the concrete wall.
I ran my fingers along the imprints and just looked up and began weeping. Meanwhile moans and weeping filled the halls at night, the person next door to me was chained to his bed so he couldn’t harm himself. All you could hear was him desperately trying to break those chains all and he had to be sedated every so many hours.
It was an experience I will never forget. This must be what hell is like I thought to myself.
It was in that place where I literally gave up all hope I just remember saying
“I truly give up God, I surrender to you, ” I have no other option
And it was in that place, in that room where I encountered God’s presence for the first time in my life. It felt surreal and I remember feeling the spirit minister to me saying
“Do you hear those chains, these chains are what was binding you, your fate was death but today those chains are broken.”
Healing Process
By the grace of God those suicidal thoughts were no more. Those chains were gone.
Now was everything perfect moving forward. NO.
Did I continue to make mistakes/sin even after. Yes I can’t lie!
However my healing process had truly begun. God was guiding me down the path he had intended. And my whole perspective on life had changed.
It began with forgiving the person that had caused me so much pain during my childhood. Doing this not only allowed me to show the love that Jesus requires of us, but also truly set me free and allowed me share this story with others.
Love yourself
Next I had to learn to love myself. Not feel ashamed of my past (sure I still get emotional talking about this, I shed a tear or two writing this), but embrace it and use it to share the love of God with others.
You are more than enough
I learned to stop asking God why, and start asking him where instead. “Where do you want me Lord”
We will never truly know why things had to happen the way they did. As humans we always try to find the logic in everything. Accepting God’s will, and the way things happen is never easy. But we have trust that God is working all things for the good of those who love him.
Life is not a path filled with beautiful roses. Life is a process of many ups and many downs. But our faith allows us to make it to the end of this marathon that is life.
Whoever is reading this I just want you to know that you are beautiful you are loved and whatever you are going through you are never alone. You are worth so much. Do not quit! If you are bound by any chains at this moment whether it is depression, anxiety, insecurity, shame, I invite you to surrender it to Jesus and allow him to work in your life.
I hope this post spoke to your life, and reminds you that God’s love is real and can reach even the darkest of places.
In God’s time I hope to one day return to mental hospitals and share the light, and show that God is more than able to bring healing even to the darkest places!
Feel free to comment below or reach out to me I am more than willing.
God loves you and so do I <3
Doing GOD’s work. Here to serve you 🙂
Hi Anthony! Thank you for being brave enough to share your testimony through this. It was very inspiring!!! God is indeed always faithful to those who believe in Him. Just like Paul said in 2 Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith”.. and you, like Paul, have fought the good fight, have finished the race and kept the faith! God bless you Anthony!
There aren’t enough words to express how so sorry I am that this happened. It must take so much courage to talk about this. Please know that your continuous faith and healing experiences are truly inspiring.
Que Dios te bendiga. ❤